if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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