im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
