Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize