Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
