My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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