someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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