also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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