i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
