if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
