I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
