the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the day after is always just damage control
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
