do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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