Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
