eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize