Your dad touched me again.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
