I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize