wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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