Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
