can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
