my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
