The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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