Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
