So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
