This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
