He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
