Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
