I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
