Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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