I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
