Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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