it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize