So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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