the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
