I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize