Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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