I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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