Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize