made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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