Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Randomize
