you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
