They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
