So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
