so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
