I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
