Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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