Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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