And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
