So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize