Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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