Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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