If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
