carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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