i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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