turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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