Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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