Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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