Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
