So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Pants are for mortals
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
