I wanna passion pit in your ass
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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